Musings of InertEddie
by TwilightofCraigslistContest
Summary: Assumptions, meddling parents and a best friend who's a liability makes a small lie end in fireworks on July fourth—will he crash and burn?


Contest: **Twilight of Craigslist One-Shot Contest (Part II)**

Title:** Musings of InertEddie  
><strong>

Rating: **M**  
>Word Count: <strong>4713<strong>

Contest Ad Prompt:** http : / / www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net / s / 7453186 / 1 / July_4th_Party_Weekend  
><strong>

Summary:** Assumptions, meddling parents and a best friend who's a liability makes a small lie end in fireworks on July fourth—will he crash and burn?  
><strong>

Beta service:** SRP****  
><strong>

Warning/Disclaimer:**** I do not own Twilight or its characters.  
><strong>**

**Don't forget to read the other entries! http: / www. fanfiction. net/u/ 3211840/ Also, follow us on twitter! twiCraigslist**

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><p><em><strong>inerteddie (dot) blogspot (dot) com<strong>_

_Wednesday, November 24_

**Bologna is NOT a Thanksgiving dish best served cold…**

I know I mentioned in my last post that you'd hear from me when I came back from my trip. Guess what? I'm still at home, but THIS shit just couldn't wait!

For the past five Thanksgivings, it's always been the same:

-Mom's incessant campaign about me "finding the one."  
>-Dad silently supporting Mom.<br>-Em vocally supporting Mom.  
>-Allie planning a few social gatherings for me, in support of Mom.<br>-Rose looking bored.  
>-Jazz looking constipated.<p>

What do I do?

I eat my share of the turkey and provide customary answers: yes, no, to get to the other side, 1.772453851. All the while, smiling through all of this.

This year it is fuckin' different…  
>Mom has always tried to hook me up with one of her friend's daughter or niece. This time she decides to change tactics—she wants to introduce me to her client's son.<p>

_"He's also in med school at Pritzker, I just know you two would get along!"_

She probably thinks that having a wingman on standby in Chicago, when I fly in for vacations, will help me meet women…

Dad has always been routine since I got into med school; he asks me to join him during his rounds, then he usually introduces me to a lot of nurses.

"Have you met my son? This is Edward..." _Cue dramatic pause_ "...he's single."

This time, he introduces me to a few of his male colleagues and residents who are way too eager to give me their mobile numbers.

There's a point to these stories. It's to give you perspective on the crap I go through.

Allie suggests we squeeze a spa date before I head back to Seattle because she says, "I was due another visit," which confuses the shit out of me 'cause she and Rose usually do that together—and what's with "_another visit_?" I've never even been to a spa in the first place! Well, my confusion must be evident since Jasper says, "No one will judge," then he makes a really puzzling statement. "You've always felt more comfortable bonding with Allie anyway—the relaxing environment can only help you open up more…"

Today at dinner, Emmett says he is thinking of inviting a friend of his who just got out of a relationship to our Thanksgiving meal and asks me if it's okay.

His friend's name is Sam…

It is short for Samuel.

Do you hear the light bulb click? Yeah, I hear it too.

Hope you're all having a much better Thanksgiving than I am, since mine became an intervention to have me come out of the 'supposed' closet I'm in and as you carve your turkey, prime rib, or ham, give thanks that you don't have my family as yours…  
>POSTED BY MORE2ME AT 10:45 PM 23 COMMENTS<p>

_Wednesday, December 1_

**It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas…**

Don't you notice that all those special flavored coffees come back during the holidays? Once you see pumpkin lattes you know Halloween and Thanksgiving are just around the corner, and when you think it couldn't get any better, they introduce peppermint and eggnog coffee!

Some of you left amusing and uncomfortable comments, and I really appreciate those of you that expressed their concern.

Here's my general reply:  
>…My family won't believe me.<br>…I am a masochist since I tell Seth what happened and give him more reason to bust my chops about it, after he picks himself up off the floor and stops laughing.  
>…And lastly—and THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT—I'm not gay.<p>

To the few of you that asked:  
>I won't be entertaining thoughts of me being your Santa and you being my Rudolph…<br>POSTED BY MORE2ME AT 6:45 PM 26 COMMENTS

_Saturday, December 4_

**Smell that?**

I smell strawberries…I close my eyes to savor the sweet scent of summer and when I opened them, reality strikes when I see a mini plastic Christmas tree with a dreidel beside it at the nursing station.

It's a pleasant surprise to smell something so refreshing among the mix of antiseptics and pine…  
>POSTED BY MORE2ME AT 6:45 PM 0 COMMENTS<p>

_Wednesday, December 15_

**DECK THE HALLS WITH MY BALLS FOR HOLLY….**

'Twas the night before finals and all through the house, night creatures were studying while others were just being a louse.  
>When from the front door there arose such a clatter and who should appear, but my parents as I utter a word that meant fecal matter.<br>As they entered the foyer with luggage in hand, they said they expected me to have been in bed, believing their story that all this was unplanned.  
>Away I turned from my parents, for I just knew that my best friend had turned traitor, and I was about to tear him a new one if not a few.<br>Seth's eyes, how they twinkled! His dimple, how merry! He acted as if he had nothing to be wary.  
>Then Mom made the announcement about our trip that Seth is to come with. Dad asked if I was fine, while I pleaded the fifth.<br>I spoke not a word, not a curse in my confusion, as I went back to my books in hopes that this was a mere delusion.  
>I thought of my family, along with my former best friend, and moved out of earshot as my knees started to bend.<br>I prayed to the gods and hoped for a Christmas miracle or two, because having them all under one roof would definitely make my sanity all askew.

POSTED BY MORE2ME AT 6:45 PM 20 COMMENTS

_Sunday, December 26_

**A series of misfortunate events…then a Christmas miracle!**

Seth shall die by the New Year—I'm just putting it out there.  
>I will admit to the murder due to insanity; when the jury meets my family, it'll be validated.<br>Why do I want to kill my best friend?  
>He makes an announcement that I am "seeing" someone—at Christmas dinner.<br>Then we almost get busted because Seth and I get our stories all mixed up…but he is able to straighten it out; he tells me his talent in story telling comes from his Quileute genes.  
>Then a Christmas miracle happens!<br>The voices around me stop—Mom and Dad stop embarrassing me, Em stops acting like a douche, and Allie cancels our bar crawl through Boystown…  
>So I guess I kinda owe Seth. Imagine that!<br>POSTED BY MORE2ME AT 6:45 PM 23 COMMENTS

_Friday, January 14_

**Birds of the same feather**

Seth and I just finish our interview with the program director of the department we want for residency. We are told that they can't wait to have us on their staff, but we have to "act" surprised in March.  
>Great, now I'm stuck with Seth for another 4 years!<br>POSTED BY MORE2ME AT 6:45 PM 5 COMMENTS

_Thursday, February 10_

**Cupid, WTF is wrong with your aim?**

Dad's here to personally deliver Nana's engagement ring.  
>Mom has a "gut feeling" that I am in dire need for it… Okay, then!<br>I tell Dad the next time Mom has a "gut feeling," just give her some antacids.  
>POSTED BY MORE2ME AT 9:55 PM 7 COMMENTS<p>

_Monday, March 14_

**MATCH DAY, BABY!**

You are reading the entry of an official intern to the Department of Emergency Medicine!  
>Now, excuse me, as I get rightfully plastered the way the Irish do it!<br>POSTED BY MORE2ME AT 9:55 PM 11 COMMENTS

_Wednesday, May 1_

**Next time, duct tape my pie hole!**

WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO BAIL ME OUT OF THIS?  
>WHAT THE FUCK IS WAS I THINKING?<br>WHERE THE HELL AM I GOING TO FIND THE GIRL I'M SUPPOSED LY SEEING? THE SAME GIRL THAT SETH PULLED OUT OF HIS ASS LAST CHRISTMAS?  
>WHY THE FUCK DO I EVEN OPEN MY BIG MOUTH?<br>I need your help, readers. I'm going to be graduating in three weeks, and my family's flying here for it. They expect to meet the girl I've been allegedly dating since last Christmas.  
>Problem: there's no girl, no one even remotely close to someone dating me<br>Yes, I know that this is karma coming to bite me in my ass for lying to my mom and dad, but fuck! If you were in my shoes, you'd lie too, maybe even signing over your soul for added measure.  
>My imaginary girlfriend is supposed to meet my whole family this summer and the kicker? Imaginary girlfriend got promoted to fiancé status…<br>So, please, I'm open for suggestions. I just need to know what I can do to at least avoid a meltdown…  
>POSTED BY MORE2ME AT 9:55 PM 44 COMMENTS<p>

EPOV

"So what do you think?"

Seth has been reading it for over five minutes; sometimes, his fingers hover over the keyboard and he folds his hands on the table and grunts.

"You do remember the Craigslist killer was also a medical student right?"

I move the laptop over to me and nod. "First of all, this is a genuine ad, and it's not like I'll be killing anyone."

"True, 'cause all the ads on Craigslist are legit," Seth says while rolling his eyes. "I really can't sign off on this, Edward. There's a lot of crazies out there who will be replying to this 'cause of the money involved."

Standing up, Seth moves to the fridge to grab us some beer. I take a few of my readers' suggestions and decide that Craigslist is the way to go. I was fortunate enough that Seth had my back during graduation, and I must admit that his "lying skills" are unbelievably impeccable. Fuck, even I want to meet my imaginary woman he was talking about. When Mom starts talking about my birthday and that I had to bring her, Seth came to my rescue, yet again, and tells her to hold off the celebration because we are scheduled for our orientation and physical during that day. Good thing Dad knows the process before residency, so he convinces Mom into backing off. The down side, though, his former classmate is the Chairman, and he is also friends with my program director, so I am given a four day reprieve so early in the training to make it out to the Hamptons for Independence Day weekend. And that's where shit finally hits the fan.

"Dude, between you and my family, I've had more than my fair share of lunatics. I know I can keep up." Turning to him I ask, "You will help me in screening these crazies, right?"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world." He clinks his bottle to mine before he takes a sip while turning his attention to my laptop.

Looking back at the screen I ask, "You still didn't tell me what you think about it."

**Fake fiancée needed for weekend in the Hamptons. Cash reward. (Seattle)**  
><strong>Date: 2011-10-10, 12:18<strong>  
><strong>Reply to: futurehusband (at) craigslist (dot) org<strong>

Due to a family reunion of sorts, over the July 4th weekend, and my ability to lie out of my ass to my family, I require the company of a female willing to act as my fiancé.  
>A little about me: I am a medical student studying in Seattle. I don't have a girlfriend or a fiancé, despite my family's beliefs. I just want to stop the phone calls and looks of pity whenever I go back home alone. "He'll find someone one day," is my mother's favorite phrase which I hope to never hear again, which is why I made you up.<br>Required attributes:

- Must be willing to stay in a home with seven adults and three children. No, the children are not mine nor will I expect you to announce a surprise pregnancy. I'm in enough shit already.  
>- Shyness would be a desired quality, less chance of over acting on your part and chest pains on mine.<br>- I told them you're brunette. If you aren't I can provide the appropriate shade of hair dye.  
>- No drunks. My mother has that covered already.<br>- No drugs. My father is a doctor and my brother is a cop. I don't need my fiancé being arrested and/or ODing while meeting the family.  
>- No fear of fireworks. It is July 4th.<br>- Must be a four or above on a scale of one to ten in looks. I need to make this as believable as possible.

Your Rewards:  
>- A weekend away in an idyllic home in the Hamptons.<br>- Travel funds provided.  
>- $5,000 awarded to you if the weekend is successful. Success will be judged upon how many times my sister insists on dressing you up andor offering to build us both a home. Trust me.  
>- A handsome, intelligent, funny, and serious fake fiancé for one weekend.<br>- Extra "fiancé duties" can be provided upon request and level of realisticness. IE: No foot rubs during dinner but acceptable before bed.  
>Please only serious applicants and those over 21, alcohol consumption will be a necessity during this period and again, my brother is a cop.<p>

Seth shakes his head. "I still don't get why you described yourself as a medical student."

"I couldn't tell them I was a resident intern," I reply, "not everyone knows what that even is. They may think I'm looking for a way to score a green card here in the States."

"I can't get over what possessed you into telling them you and fic lady got engaged."

"Fic lady" is the name Seth dubbed my fictional girlfriend…well, now my fiancé.

Rubbing the back of my neck, I say, "Yeah, I don't know what possessed me either. I got caught up in your story, and between Mom talking about the fucking ring, Dad wanting to explain to her about ups and down of being with a resident, and Em making that comment about not being able to keep my woman satisfied…well, I just lost it."

"Engaged…" Seth has a distant look and then chuckles. "Losing it just doesn't begin to describe it. Why'd you even say she was a brunette?"

"I don't know…"

"Didn't you learn anything? In lying, less is always more," Seth continues.

"I know…"

"Mystery is always the key," he says as if I never even spoke.

I pounded the table with my fist. "Didn't we go over this already? I don't know what happened, one minute I was just listening to everyone talking smack about her then the next thing I knew I was pulling shit out of my ass and digging a deeper fucking grave!"

"Talking smack about her?" Seth air quotes, "fic lady doesn't even fucking exist!"

I smile bitterly and wave my hand toward my laptop. "I beg to differ."

He just stares at me like I am a danger to myself and others, so I try to reassure him.

"Look, what's the worst that can happen in four days? We've been lying for months about her, and with you and me there to stay with fic lady at all times of the day, we can make sure that she sticks to the script."  
>Seth shakes his head. "Dude, Doc was only able to secure you the furlough. I'll be tucked away in the bowels of the emergency room, saving mankind one life at a time to the best of the HMO's ability."<p>

I stare at him since I know Dad had talked about the two of us being free that particular weekend of July. Fuck! We are probably partnered on the floor because of our last names, so there is no way we can take off at the same time. Shit! I pound my head on the table, repeatedly.

"There's no fucking way I can pull this off on my own…"

I hear Seth take a deep breath. "You won't be on your own, okay?"

When I lift my head, I see him looking at the ad again then he says, "You'll be with her."

"But…"

He shakes his head again. "No fucking buts about it. I told you that I wouldn't miss the 'audition' you got set up for this, and we'll make sure that we pick a girl that you can bring to the Hamptons without you suffering an aneurysm."  
>Seth rubs his hands together, and before I can even protest, he starts clicking on my laptop. When he is done, he smiles and says, "The casting couch is officially open."<p>

_Monday, June 20_

**TWO FUCKING WEEKS!**

Two weeks left and nothing!  
>Let me fill you all in since it's been almost two months since my last post; you see, I took some of your advice, and I placed an ad on Craigslist.<br>Seth had warned me that I'll be seeing a lot of crazies…and surprise—I did, every single one of them so far…  
>I'm going to use my birthday wish and hope that I'll be able to pull this shit off…because if I don't, I shudder to think what Mom will do to me.<br>Oh and here's the worst part—despite the proof reading and editing on the ad, I forgot to put an age cut off…let's just say that grannies and cougars make a lot of the crazies out there…  
>POSTED BY MORE2ME AT 9:55 AM 12 COMMENTS<p>

_Thursday, June 30_

**REALITY SHOWS GOT NOTHING ON ME**

'Fic lady' is no more!  
>She is more than I wished for on my birthday and Seth's stories did not even come close in doing her justice…unfortunately she was not the one responding to my ad, her friend was.<br>She was the friend's 'bodyguard'…all 5'4" approximately 110 pounds of her and she wore black jeans, an oversized hoodie, and chucks—to complete the 'menacing' look.  
>*Cue canned laughter*<br>The friend was really sweet, though…like 'talking-to-her-for-five-minutes-would-cause-me-to-get-diabetes' sweet. Her story was so heart wrenching that Seth and I knew we had to give Angela the job. The best thing was that she's also a student at the university, the only sanest person who replied and being a reverend's daughter could have also sealed the deal.  
>But you all know that good things come to an end fairly quickly in my life…<br>How?  
>It involves an oversize Seth, three cups of hot coffee and a can of pepper spray.<br>The lawyers would not want me to disclose the details, though.  
>But there is a silver lining to this thunderous cloud…<br>I get to bring the 'bodyguard' instead.  
>POSTED BY MORE2ME AT 11:45 PM 3 COMMENTS<p>

_Saturday, July 2_

**MY PARENTS SHOULD HAVE NAMED ME MURPHY**

Murphy's Law -'Anything that can go wrong will go wrong'  
>I have never gotten sick for years, so naturally on the weekend I introduce my family to my fake fiancé I get the stomach flu which has me spewing from both ends—yes, it means what you think it means.<br>From JFK to Ginger Lane, traffic was horrendous and to top it off, we had to make so many pit stops…obviously.  
>When we finally arrive at Ginger Lane—thing went from bad to worst…from Mom hurling on my shoes, to Em's concussion and Allie needing an "emergency" haircut because of a bubble gum incident, I knew that this would only be the tip of the proverbial iceberg.<br>Ladies and gentlemen, I still have around seventy two more hours to go of shitting through my ass—figuratively and literally.  
>But through this shit storm all I can remember with such clarity was the cool towel she placed on my forehead after I paid reverence to the porcelain god, her stubborn expression when she took the keys of the rental, her musical laughter as she handed me my flip flops after Mom's 'accident' and as I watch her sleeping peacefully, I realize one thing—no matter what I face, I have my bodyguard beside me.<br>…and she'll probably get a restraining order against me once we land in Seattle.  
>POSTED BY MORE2ME AT 5:45 AM 5 COMMENTS<p>

EPOV

I am fighting the temptation to reach out and touch her and softly ask, "Did you enjoy yourself?"

She shifts in her seat, her head bobbing. "Yes, surprisingly I did."

I am still reeling from the weekend. It is hands down the most amazing weekend I've ever spent with my family in a long time. The world is still turning, there is no apocalyptic theme song playing, no screaming matches, and very little drama. Everything comes off without a hitch.

So, why am I dreading the flight back?

She stands up and instinctively, I do, too. "Where are you going?" I am shocked at the panic in my voice.

"I'm going to the restroom, Edward." She smiles up at me, and I see her eyes shift toward the few people staring at us in the lounge area.

"Oh," I move to let her pass. "Um…hurry back?"

She giggles, and I see her left hand lift slightly as I close my eyes, anticipating the feel of her touch on my cheek. Then, I hear her say, "I will."

When I open my eyes, she is walking away…her hand never reaches my cheek.

"I recognize that look," the man behind the newspaper, sitting nearby, says.

I look around thinking he is talking to someone else before replying, "Excuse me?"

He folds up his paper and sets it on the table beside him. "You're already looking lost without her." He takes a sip from his coffee before he continues, "She has you on a short leash, and you don't seem to mind. That has got to be love or you're a schmuck…Congratulations by the way."

I just stare dumbly at him, so he takes my silence as permission to continue. "Her ring? You're engaged right?"

I nod stiffly.

"Well good for you." He looks me in the eye as he stands up from his seat. "Take it from an old timer like me, whatever you have going on in that head of yours…don't screw this up." He waves his hand between me and the area where she walked to. "Guys like us use this too much..." he tapped his head"...don't let her go." Then, he turns and leaves.

..THAT?

I slump into the seat the man vacated and take his newspaper as I wait for her to come back. I intuitively turn and see her on her phone with the sweetest smile on her face that can only come from heaven. I can feel myself smiling just because she is…and I realized I forgot to pack my balls for the return trip.

As she walks back to me, I hear her say, "Do you want to talk to him?" Then she hands her phone to me, and I take it without a second thought.

"Hello?"

"Edward! You better bring her back home for Labor Day weekend!"

I roll my eyes. "Mom, I'm not sure what our schedule's going to be..."

She sniffles and says, "Don't you dare use your residency as an excuse to stay away!"

What is it with Mom and her drama? Then she says, "Allie just happened to call the Shedd and Notebaert, they do have open dates for the spring. Oh, Edward! Your wedding's going be so beautiful!"

I stand up abruptly, and I swear I feel the world move off its axis and my heart stops as my mom keeps talking about lilacs, logistics, and lace. Then, I feel her grab my hand, I look down and see her expression of concern and because of her my heart restarts its rhythmic beat. I shake my head, and she gives me a look that tells me she'd never take any of my bullshit sitting down, just like she always has since I met her, and I know that I have to fix this.

Mom keeps going on and on, about what, I don't know. I tighten my grip in her hand as I drag her to the concierge of the airport lounge. Looking up at the screen that had the schedule for the departure flights, my eyes immediately find what I am looking for.

"Mom, I gotta go," I say, bracing myself for the repercussions of what I'm about to do right now. When I hear her say good bye, I hung up.

"Hi," I say to the blonde in front of me. "I'd like to change my tickets for a different flight."

I hear my name being whispered behind me; I know she is confused, and I can feel her heart racing through my shirt from where she is pressed up against me. I expect my heart to beat faster than hers as I wait for the voices around me to amplify, which is normal for me when I make life altering decisions.  
>Nothing. I feel…calm.<p>

The blonde asks me if I would like a later flight. I shake my head and say, "I'd like to change our destination."

Behind me, I hear her ask, "Edward? What's going on?"

I look at my watch and calculate the time difference, trying to think of all we had to do if I can convince her to just agree. Then, I turn around, take her hand, and place it on my chest, "Feel that?"

She looks at me and shakes her head. "I don't feel anything."

"Exactly," I say a little too loud. "Nothing! No palpitations, no arrhythmia, no acid reflux."

She waits for me to continue. "I've never felt this tranquil in all my life, and it only started when I met you."

"Oh..kay," she stutters.

I take both her hands in mine, my fingers playing with the ring on her left hand. "I'm a level headed person..." I watched one of her eyebrow raise "...most of the time. You've met my best friend and my family, but you're still here. I know that we met through an ad on Craigslist...that's worst than meeting online! To top it all off, we've only known each other for five fucking days."

She smiles and says, "So far, it's been the most…interesting five days of my life."

"I KNOW!" Then, I apologize for my outburst. "But that's exactly what I meant."

"Sir?" The blonde at the desk is calling my attention, which I continue to ignore.

"Do you trust me?"

She answers, "In theory."

"Then take the leap with me," I softly plead.

She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, "Edward, it is just not that easy…"

"Yes it is."

She bows her head and whispers, "We are making a mistake…"

"No we're not."

I nudge her chin up gently with my finger and when she opened her eyes, she searches for something in mine. She probably found what she was looking for because she slowly nods. A smile breaks out on her face and with that my fate is sealed.

I pull her towards me and kiss her. She kisses me back.

Then I hear, "Sir? Um, excuse me sir…"

I reluctantly end our kiss and turned to the woman calling my attention. "Sir, are you still changing your tickets?"

Handing over our boarding pass, I nod. She takes them and looks them over then glances at her computer. "A change in destination, is that correct?"

I nod again. The blonde looks at me with a smile. "Where are you and Ms. Swan headed to?"

Bella tightens her arms around me as I kiss the top of her head and inhale her scent. Then, I smile back at the blonde who has been exceptionally patient with us and answer her.

"Las Vegas."

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><p><strong>Host's Note: Tell us what you think by submitting a review. Don't forget to vote for your favorite Twilight of Craigslist entries at http: www. fanfiction. net/u/ 3211840/ when voting opens. Check back for voting dates.  
><strong>


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